Sunday: 1/29/2012

This past Sunday was the first time I've been at church since I got an upper respiratory infection.  It felt really good to be back at church. Really it felt really good to be ANYWHERE but home, but even more so that it was church.

Since I have worn nothing but pajamas for over a week now, it felt really good putting on my corset, ruffles, bustles, and make up again. I even wore my boots that have a bit of heel to them. I may not be your stereotypical girly girl, but I am a girly girl none the less.

Church was, again, all over the place, but whenever I say that, it's a good thing, really.

Today that Pastor read a letter out loud that he received from a visitor from Wisconsin we had on Christmas day.

The letter basically summed up everything I feel about my church.

The person told Pastor A. about how impressed he was by everyone's genuine kindness and warm welcomes. How he felt like people were honestly welcoming them as first time guests because they wanted too and because they cared and not because they felt like it was the "church" thing to do.

That's the way I wish every church was like.

When my family and I started looking around at churches my family and I talked about many different things, but one of the things we discussed, was my appearance. My mother suggested not to go "too Goth", because she didn't want me to "freak them out' on my first visit. My dad on the other hand said "They might as well know who she is when they first meet her. If they can't accept her, we don't need to be going."

Did I ever mention how much I LOVE my family?

 Well, we were lucky to find The Grove (My Church). Not only does everyone accept my style, but they truly do love and care about me for me! They're not putting on an act in hoping that I "get saved". For one thing, they already know I am.

I've had people come up to me and say "I love to see you praise and Worship. It inspires me." Or "You truly do love the Lord."

Now, I am not saying this to pat myself on the back or make me seem like that I am holier than thou or perfect. I am FAR from it. However, when they give me compliments I can tell, it is truly from their hearts.

They mean every word.

They don't care what about what I wear to church, they're just glad to see a 20 something in church! And most importantly, they don't try to change me! It's like the bible says:

1st Samuel 16:7 New American Standard Version

" But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

God is more concerned about whom I am as a person and what is in my heart and soul. Not about the colors of my clothes.

Absence

Sorry I did not have a blog for this past Sunday, but you see I did not go to church.

I woke up on Friday Morning at 3:00 AM because I was shivering so hard it hurt. I went to the Doctor and he told me I have an Upper Repertory Infection. I'm on antibiotics and an odd cough syrup that has Hydrocodone in it.

So, for the past few days I have been stuck in bed watching Big Bang Theory Episodes, YouTube videos, and many reviews of nostalgic movies from www.thatguywiththeglasses.com

It's Wednesday now that I am writing this and I have to say I am feeling much better. I decided to skip church tonight because I still feel a tad crumby and it's best that I keep my germs to myself. I do plan to go to church this Sunday and This week's outfit I have big plans, including using an old prom dress of mine for a bustle skirt.

In other news, I start CDA classes next week. Please pray for strength and wisdom to keep up and graduate as well as praying for the Lord to always provide a way to getting to my classes once a week.

I lost my car last year in an accident and I know that driving me to and from Athens is inconvenient for my family, but I will make it all worth it in the end.

Thank you all, and God Bless!

Sunday: 1/15/2012

I started a new Facebook page specifically for this blog. No, I am not getting a big head thinking I am going to have thousands of followers so I need a "fan page". It's just so that that the few of you can keep up with the blogs instead of having to look on my Facebook profile. You can also see the individual pieces I put together for the outfit in photo albums and find out where I got them.

You can check it out here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Apples-Sunday-Best/219751428110512

Most of the pieces of my outfits come from places I have visited over the years. Mostly from thrift stores.

I got a lot of completes on my outfit today, including one from the pastor. A lot of people really liked my hair clip, which I later learned is called a fastener.

Service was...well...all over the place, lol.

First we had a baby dedication with three beautiful little girls. It was very beautiful, moving, and the girls were as good as gold.

I took my place at the front row as I always do. I like to sit in the front row because, as I have mentioned before, I have really bad A.D.D. If I sit in the back or one of the middle rows and someone is say scratching their head, coughing, checking their cell phone, etc. I tend to look at that. This way, I can fully concentrate on what the pastor is saying.

Today's sermon was kind of all over the place really. Instead of making one very strong point, Pastor A. made a bunch of really good points. I kept track in a notebook that I bring with me to church so I can remember them. I decided this year I was going to dedicate more time in studying the word, rather than just listening to it.

One of the things he spoke about was Psalm 56:9: "when my enemies will turn back in the day when I call; this I know, that God is for me".

It goes with praise and worship song that we sang this morning that has one of the strongest bridges I have ever heard in a contemporary Christian song. I'm not even a big fan of contemporary Christian, but there are a couple of songs that I really enjoy. That bridge goes “And if our God is for us, then who could ever stops us? And if our God is with us, then what can stand against us?"

I love that! It's true. Though there are many people in this world that say "you can't do something", God tells us we can. There are people on this earth that are against us, even people who claim to be for God. But if what we do brings joy to God and is what we were meant to do, then who can stop us?

That's the philosophy I go by in life. I don't always remember at times. The critics in my life sometimes do get the best of me. Especially my biggest critic. Myself. The biggest don't voice is inside my own head. But, I have to drown it out.

This is especially true now that I am signing up for my CDA course this week. If this is what I am meant to do, then I can't let that insignificant voice tell me I can't do it!

The Past

We all have our testimonies. Our life stories. Our pasts. Sometimes, we just may not expect to find out something about a person.

People tell me all the time about how bubbly and happy I seem to be, and I really am, but I didn't always used to be.

 

In Middle school I went through a very rough time in my life. Along with mine and everyone else’s hormones going into over drive, I started to gain weight. Needless to say, a lot of people noticed. Things got really bad 7th grade in particular. I got shoved into a locker once, tripped up numerous times, and harassed every single day. I didn't really know how to handle it. I never got treated so badly before.

I tried to do the same things as everyone else. Tried to do whatever it took to be liked by them, but it seemed no matter how hard I tried to get my fellow class mates to like me, I still came up short. Any attempts to be like the popular kids I made, I always fell flat on my face.

My grades began to drop. I had really bad ADD at the time (I've learn to control to where I don't even take the medication anymore and haven't for years!) and it was hard to concentrate as it was. Add on the fact that the teachers didn't want to help me because they had 30 other students as they reminded me and all I could do was concentrate was how miserable my life was. Mom and dad were getting stressed out; afraid I was going to fail. They didn't know about the bullying. I didn't want them to know. I wanted one last thing for them to worry about. I also feel like I had no choice but to endure it. It was the law to go to school. I was homeschooled in 5th grade and I knew it was strain on my mother who worked nights at the hospital and we couldn't afford to send me to a private school. Even if they could at the time, I didn't see how it would help. It wasn't really school that was the center of my pain, it was people. I felt like you just have to endure people.

I started to get suicidal thoughts. I couldn't bear the thought of living anymore. I listened to the lies people told me and believed them!

"You're fat." You're Ugly." "You're a failure." As much as I hated the people that tormented me, it didn't even measure the amount of hatred I felt for myself.

I was going to a southern Baptist church at the time. I couldn't understand why I, the good little Christian girl who was going church 3 times a week, wasn't having sex, doing drugs, or even saying a swear word, why God was allowing this to happen to me. I got angry at God, yet I still fell at the alter every Sunday, begging for forgiveness, thinking I must have done something to bring this on myself.

I remember crying in the bathroom at my school, telling God if he doesn't kill me, I'll do it myself.

I confided in my Christian friends, telling them about how I felt. I was reaching out for love and comfort. The best bit of "Wisdom" they could give me, was "If you kill yourself, you'll go to hell!"

So, rather than being comforted, I became more angry at God. I didn't understand why I, as I saw, being punished. What could I have possibly done to deserve this?

I remember writing note, telling my mom and dad that I loved them very much and they deserved a better daughter than me. I then ripped up the notes, so they could never see them.

I would have a conversation in my head. A voice telling me that I should kill myself and that I was worthless. I was nothing!

One day, I almost took the voice's advice. While doing the dishes one day after a hellish day at school, I picked up a giant steak knife. Dad was at work, mom was asleep, and my brother was out with his friends. I held the steak knife about my head. I was so tired of my heart hurting; I was willing to put a knife into it to stop it from beating.

I tried to bring it down.......But I couldn't.

It felt like someone who was much stronger than I was holding my wrist. I eventually stopped fighting the force and threw the knife to the ground and fell sobbing to the ground.

 

Things got better when I decided to be myself instead of what I felt like others wanted me to be. I started to get into the Punk look. I still dealt with depression on and off, though.

In 9th grade I was homeschooled and I am grateful for it. I was allowed to back away from the horrible situation and focus on myself.

I got into the Goth look. Then I went to an inexpensive private school in the new town that I moved to. Some of the kids try to tell me there was no such thing as “Christian Goth", and I thought I could not be the ONLY one! So I googled "Christian Goth" and boom, the first site I found was www.christiangoth.com.

I still had depression to deal with. That's something you just get over, it takes time.

When my grandfather died when I was about 17 years old, I experimented with cutting. Not deep, but enough to where I had to cover my arms and legs to hide the scars. I still see the faint lines on my arms. I did it every once in a while. I saw it as self-punishing because my self-esteem was still building.

The more I focus on God, the more self-esteem I build because at least this way I know that I'm not perfect and never will be. But I know that despite the many flaws I have, I am still loved. I got out of my religious mind set and more into a relationship. I can come to God just the way I am. So weather I am bubbly or a blubbering mess, I can still come to him. And he will comfort me when the world tries to destroy me.

I understand so much why people are turned away from Christianity. I almost did. I thought about converting to different religions and even becoming an agnostic or an atheist.

So I got rid of religion and focused on God.

Everything I do in my life, whether it's writing, singing, acting, babysitting, volunteer work, or even dressing up. I give God all the glory.

Judgment

I want to start off with this blog by stating this:

I am NOT writing this particular blog to gain sympathy. I am not trying to make myself be persecuted or anything like that. I face judgments just like everyone does. Everyone, no matter how open minded a person claims to be, they judge. Even I do. I know it's wrong, and I pray for forgiveness when I do it, but I still do it.

Obviously I face judgments by Christians. There are a lot of religious people out there that see a girl wearing a spiked Dog Collar (though, I refer to it as a "choker") who reads Harry Potter and watch zombie movies, and their first thought is "Devil Worshiper"!

But I also get judged at parties and conventions. I personally don't like the label "Religious". To me religion is man-made. Religion are the big do's and don'ts (Though, most of them are don'ts) and religion tells you must do a lot of things in order to please your God. I consider myself more spiritual. I don't use the label of "Spiritual" as a way to make myself holier than thou. Spirituality is when you have a personal relationship with God. That's what he wants. He doesn't want our works, he wants our hearts.

Of course, I have said relationship with God, and a lot of people have called me crazy.

Anyway, the main reason I don't like the term religious because of the fact that a lot of bells ring in people's heads. When I go to parties or conventions, somehow, in some way, religion comes up. So yes, I admit that I am a Christian. I am not ashamed of my faith, but I have never really brought my faith up out of the blue. Someone brings it up, (Call it a divine intervention I guess) and so yes, I tell them that I am a Christian. Most people, it's no big deal. But I have encountered some "bug eyes" at times. It's like something going on in their heads:

"Is going to preach at me?"  "Is she going to Judge me?" "Is she going to tell me I'm going to go to hell?" "If I drink, is she going to tell me I shouldn’t?"

In fact, a lot of times I don't like to really drink in public because I get those eyes, as if they were saying "I thought you were a Christian."

So If I am a Goth, than to Christians I am either a Devil worshiper, but to some people who aren't Christians, I'm judgmental.

I am okay with this. I know who I am and someone else' opinions does not change that. All I can do is be myself, the person that God created.

Greetings All!

Hello there, allow me to introduce myself.
My name is April but I go by the name Apple. It's a nick name that my, then two year old niece gave me a few years ago and has stuck with me ever since.

I am in my early twenties, I am in the process of becoming a certified CDA, and I am a Christian Goth.
"Christian Goth?" You may be saying to yourself, "How does that work?"

Simple, Goth is not a religion and Christ told us to come as ourselves. That's the simplistic explanation; I'm sure I will do a Blog explaining just what exactly Goth is and what it means to be a Christian Goth someday. My interests are fashion, books, music, movies, etc. and maybe different from yours, but I'm just like you underneath it all.

Well, as come with the territory of my sub culture, I dress a little differently than other people. Especially in church.

Let me explain a few things. I live in a small town in North East Georgia. I'm not complaining about it, I love the quiet of the country, however the problem is that I have a lot of fancy style Gothic clothing and really I hardly ever get a chance to get all dressed in Victorian suits, Lolita dresses, top hats, veils, etc.
So I remembered the term "My Sunday Best" and I realized, "Yeah, I'll dress in MY Sunday best."

Now I have never hidden myself from the people in my church; I have always dressed in black outfits and fully admitted being a Goth as there is nothing wrong with it. However, I never really got totally fancy. I have a couple of times but I felt that the fancy clothes were for special occasions, but then I realized,
"Hey, I am in God's house! It's a special occasion just BEING here!"
So that's when I started wearing corsets, frilly dresses, top hats, veils, the whole Gothic Sha-Bang to church.

Despite what you may think, I get a lot of compliments on my outfits from the "Normies" of my church. From kids as young as 5 to ladies as old as 75 tell me that they love my wardrobe.

I had one lady come up to me and say, "I love your outfits! They're so creative!"

That's the really cool thing about my church. I'm not "Weird", "Immature", or "Sinful" to them; I'm "Creative" and "Unique"!

A couple of weeks ago I described one of the outfits I was wearing to church and got a lot of good feed back. People who where Christians and who were not, and Goths and others told me they liked my boldness and that my outfit sounded pretty.

So one of my Facebook friends wrote me and said "

You should start a blog and post pictures of your church outfits."

I thought and prayed about it and decided to do it.

So the plan is to post each of my Sunday outfits. I'll tell you what exactly it is I'm wearing, where I acquired the items, and will also discuss about Sub cultures in the church.

Well, I think that's it for now. See ya!







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